literature

One in the Eye, Part 2

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  “What have you brought, Horrifido?” Zitbag asked eagerly.
  “One chinchilla as ordered, Doc” Horrifido reported. “We bought it at the shopping centre in town for only five zlotties.”
  “Excellent news, my bony buddy” Zitbag grinned greedily. “That’s the kind of profit margin I like.”
Mona went to look inside the small cage that Zombunny was mindlessly holding. A large grey chinchilla was snuffling away at the bars.
  “Are you sure you can make this thing scary?” she asked dubiously.
  “Trust me” Zitbag crooned, fixing Mona with a winning smile. “A few drops of my special werewolf potion and this rodent will scare the socks off anything that ever gets scared!”
  “Well, okay” Mona agreed. “But I want a receipt.”
  “Horrifido, sort out a receipt for this customer” Zitbag ordered. “Zombunny, give me that chinchilla.”
Zombunny docilely allowed Zitbag to take the cage from him. Humming merrily to himself, Zitbag led Mona up to his laboratory.
  “Bring the receipt up” Zitbag ordered Horrifido. “And be quick about it, Horrifido!”
This was quite a bizarre situation, Mona reflected as she ascended the stairs, but then she was used to those. She hoped that Merlin was right about the importance of this were-chinchilla, as it seemed to be an awful hassle to acquire one.
  “Here is my lab” Zitbag said, as they reached a large oak door. “Hold the chinchilla, if you would, while I find the right potion.”
Mona took the rodent from its cage and began to stroke it, evoking a contented clicking sound from the creature. Horrifido soon arrived and gave Mona her receipt before scampering up to Dr. Zitbag.
  “Officer Deadbeat is sniffing around downstairs, Doc,” he reported. “He says he thinks you’re up to something, so I’ve told him you’re in the basement to throw him off the scent.”
  “Great galloping globules!” Zitbag exclaimed. “How did that deadbeat Officer Deadbeat get in here? Get behind that trapdoor lever, Horrifido, and if Deadbeat comes in, pull it! We can’t have him seeing what we’re doing.”
  “Er, sorry to be so much trouble” Mona ventured.
  “It is no trouble” Zitbag was at pains to reassure her. “Now, hold open that rodent’s mouth and we’ll see about your were-chinchilla.”
Mona gently prised the docile rodent’s mouth open as Zitbag approached it carrying a pipette full of pink liquid. Mona felt a pang of guilt at being party to such blatant disregard for animal rights, but it was too late now. Zitbag squeezed the pipette and the liquid dripped into the chinchilla’s mouth and down its throat.

As soon as Treguard, Charley and Lily arrived in Merlin’s study, Merlin explained to Treguard about the imminent opening of the Universal Eye.
  “I’m sorry I was so dismissive of your warnings earlier, my young friends” Treguard apologised to Charley and Lily. “It was indeed brave of you to journey through my Dungeon to bring me this most important message.”
  “I have now at least worked out the exact identity of everything we need,” said Merlin,
  “Do you need us to go and find something else?” Charley asked reluctantly.
  “Not yet, but soon I will” Merlin told him. “First we must wait for all our absent allies to join us here – Arnold, Helga, Gerald and Phoebe, as well as Mona and the were-chinchilla. Once they arrive, we will review what we have and what we know so far, and then see about obtaining the other people and artefacts.”

Mona held tightly to the furry creature in her hands. Dr. Zitbag’s potion did not seem to have had much effect on it yet.
  “Are you sure this is going to work?” Mona asked at length.
  “Of course” Zitbag nodded vigorously. “As soon as the next full moon rises, that chinchilla will become a savage monster.”
  “You mean I’ll have to wait that long to check that you haven’t conned me?” Mona glowered.
  “It’s not the Doc’s fault that the magic only works during a full moon and the two nights either side,” Horrifido pointed out.
  “Yes, I am not a miracle worker” Zitbag flounced. “That chinchilla is well worth two hundred zlotties; you’ve got your receipt if you want to return him at any time.”
  “Yes, well, I suppose that’ll have to do” Mona agreed grudgingly. “But I hope you realise that if you’re trying to con me then you’re endangering the whole world.”
There suddenly came a loud hammering on the door.
  “Zitbag!” Officer Deadbeat’s voice yelled. “I know you’re in there doing something illegal. Open this door or I’ll break it down.”
  “Great gloopy globules!” Zitbag cried in anguish. “He must not discover us.”
  “I’m on it, Doc,” said Horrifido dutifully, tightening his grip on the lever.
Deadbeat began to knock the door down. When he had run into it a few times, it flew open.
  “Horrifido!” Zitbag exclaimed. “The trapdoor!”
As Deadbeat burst into the room, Horrifido pulled the lever. The startled policeman went tumbling through the trapdoor, causing Zitbag to smile happily.
  “Man, I am out of here” Mona said, clutching her chinchilla. “This place is crazy! Oh, thanks for the pet, Dr. Zitbag.”
  “Don’t mention it” Zitbag smarmed. “We’re always open if you need us again.”
  “Yeah, right” Mona muttered to herself, bounding downstairs to the castle foyer. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”

Mona stumbled into Merlin’s study, clutching the were-chinchilla to her chest. Merlin, Treguard, Charley and Lily were there waiting for her.
  “It doesn’t look very frightening to me” Charley remarked, when he saw the pet.
  “I’m assured it will become a savage monster at the next full moon,” Mona explained.
  “Where on Earth did you find a were-chinchilla, Mona?” Lily asked.
  “In this seriously weird version of Transylvania” Mona replied. “I’ll tell you all about it later on.”
  “Assuming there is a later on, of course” Treguard pointed out. “Are you sure Arnold’s on his way, Merlin?”
As if on cue, Helga, Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe came marching into the room.
  “Excellent,” Merlin beamed. “Now we must assemble more of the people and things we need. We have our were-chinchilla and most of our people, but we must now think about how to gather the rest. First there is the matter of the Figurine of Fate, which must be held by she who is pure of heart. That’s you, Mona.”
  “Pure of heart?” Mona reflected. “If you say so, Merlin. Where can this figurine be found?”
  “At the very centre of the universe” Merlin told her. “The trouble is, I’m not sure that I know where that is.”
  “Oh, I do” Mona said casually. “It’s a three-bedroom terraced house in a cul-de-sac.”
  “It is?” Merlin reacted in surprise.
  “Yeah, I’ve been there before” Mona explained. “I’m sure I can go back there and find this figurine. What does it look like?”
  “We’ll worry about the specifics a bit later” Merlin decided. “For now the plan is that you will go to this house, Mona, accompanied by Helga. We have our special animal, but we still need our vegetable and mineral. Charley and Lily, Phoebe and Gerald, you will obtain one of these each.”
  “What do we need?” Lily asked.
  “The mineral is something called Wolfenden granite,” said Merlin, “and the vegetable is cannabis.”
  “Cannabis?” cried Phoebe. “That’s illegal!”
  “Maybe so, but it has great healing qualities” Merlin pointed out. “So, which pair wants to get some for me?”
  “Cannabis is quite hard to come by, you know” Mona interjected. “I’m sure it costs thousands of dollars to get hold of, and if anyone was found buying or even carrying it they might well be arrested, which would scupper our plans to save the world.”
  “Well, let me think” Merlin considered. “I know! We can sniff it out.”
  “We can?” Mona asked dubiously.
  “They are difficult to control, but Hellhounds can’t resist the stuff” Merlin explained. “If we could get hold of one, perhaps it could find us some cannabis.”
  “You say cannabis is irresistible to Hellhounds?” Lily piped up. “So I suppose if someone was secretly growing cannabis on their allotment, any Hellhound that happened to be close by would sniff it out and try to get it, right?”
  “Undoubtedly” Merlin affirmed. “Why do you ask?”
  “I see where you’re going with this, Lily,” said Mona. “That Hellhound we fought last night was very keen to get to those strange plants that Reverend Gregory was growing, wasn’t he?”
  “But Reverend Gregory is a man of God” Charley protested. “Surely he wouldn’t cultivate illegal drugs right in the middle of his own parish, or even at all!”
  “Anything is worth a try at this stage” Merlin decided. “Charley and Lily, your task is clear.”
  “Man, I hope Officer Halcroft doesn’t see us” Charley fretted.
  “How much do you need?” Lily asked Merlin.
  “Oh, not much” Merlin replied airily, as if he were talking about getting a grocery far more everyday than cannabis. “Just a small sprig. Now, Gerald and Phoebe, that leaves you the Wolfenden granite.”
  “Ooh, how exciting” Phoebe beamed. “We’re being given a task that could help to save the world!”
  “Where are we supposed to get this stuff?” Gerald asked pointedly, seemingly less enthusiastic than his companion.
  “Why, Wolfenden of course!” Treguard boomed.
  “Where’s that?” Gerald asked immediately, and everyone looked at Treguard expectantly.
  “It’s a town that passed into my Dungeon realm for a couple of years quite some time ago” Treguard explained. “I’ll take you two there myself; we’ll use the Dream Caverns. Ah, it’ll feel good to have another adventure after all that time cooped up below level three.”
  “Death may be the only adventure left for anyone anywhere if we don’t get a move on” Merlin twittered. “Treguard, you take Gerald and Phoebe to Wolfenden, as you know where it is. Charley and Lily, go back to your town and fetch some of the pastor’s cannabis. Helga and Mona, tarry here with me awhile and I’ll tell you more about your task.”
  “We’re on our way, Merlin” Treguard agreed at once, spurring the group into action. “We’ll return with Wolfenden granite or not at all!”
Gerald lurched inwardly at this vow, but he allowed Treguard and Phoebe to lead him into the Dream Caverns. Arnold, Charley and Lily followed, leaving Merlin to explain to Mona and Helga about the task of acquiring the Figurine of Fate.

  “The Figurine of Fate is very important” Merlin told Mona and Helga. “All the power from the vessels must be directed through it. You will hold it, Mona, as the purity of you heart will empower it. The rest of us will stand behind you with the artefacts and I will direct the accumulated power into the Figurine. This you must then direct into Arnold and Helga, who will stand right before the Eye. Their union will turn its gaze and make it close.”
  “Union?” Helga queried. “What exactly does Arnold have to do to… er, with me, Merlin?”
  “There is no point in speculating on such details now” Merlin replied. “First we must find the Figurine of Fate. It is powerless without you to hold it, Mona, for you will release its hidden capabilities.”
  “Yeah, about that” Mona said uncertainly. “Are you sure I’m still pure of heart? I mean, I did turn into an evil monster.”
  “Peace, Mona” Merlin soothed her gently. “You are confusing purity with innocence. Now, let me tell you about the Figurine. It takes the form of a human, but its head is that of a beast. It is made of plastic, but represents a bandit. That is all I know.”
  “A plastic figure with an animal head” Mona reiterated. “How big is it?”
  “I have no idea,” Merlin admitted. “I have told you all I know. I do know, however, that the Figurine is to be found at the exact centre of the universe. Mona, are you quite certain you know where that is?”
  “Yeah, I had to go there with Count Duckula” Mona explained. “His castle took us there, but I’m sure we could use the Dream Caverns to go back. As I said, it’s just a very normal-looking house.”
  “A house, you say,” Merlin repeated. “Were there mystical goings-on there?”
  “I’ll say there were” Mona nodded forcefully. “We had to sneak in through the milk hatch and there was this note taped to the wall that told us to watch the TV. There was a cartoon about Count Duckula, and then we watched Knightmare, and you weren’t in it, Merlin, but in the cast it said you were played by a guy called John Woodnutt.”
  “It does indeed sound like a place of magic and mystery” Merlin agreed.
  “And nothing horrible lives there, does it?” Helga asked.
  “No, some family lives there” Mona remembered. “A woman and two children, I think. I think there was a husband as well.”
  “Hmm, this complicates matters” Merlin ruminated. “If you two burst in on this family then we cannot tell what far-reaching consequences may occur. You need to go to that house at a time when we are sure that nobody will be there.”
  “Well, when we arrived last time there was some mail on the doormat” Mona recalled. “And nobody got back until after five o’ clock. The postman probably won’t have come any later than, say, half-past eleven and no one had picked up the post since then, so that’s over five hours when we know the house is empty.”
  “Perhaps not that empty” Merlin pointed out. “You and Duckula are in it for some of that time – when did you arrive?”
  “Erm, about four in the afternoon” Mona replied.
  “Right, so let’s say you’ve got between twelve noon and four o’ clock to find the Figurine of Fate” Merlin considered. “That should be plenty of time to search any reasonable-sized house. Good thinking, Mona. Of course, it’ll only work if you can remember the date you were there.”
  “October 24th 1988” Mona said at once. “I’ll never forget that date – I read it in the TV Times.”
  “Excellent” smiled Merlin. “Search the whole house for the Figurine, keeping in mind all that I’ve told you about it. Make sure you get out of there by four in the afternoon, though, or you will encounter your past self, Mona, which would cause cataclysmic events that I do not wish to elucidate.”
Mona got rid of her vampire accoutrements, reasoning that she would need to walk in the sunlight on this occasion, and that there was no need to be a vampire for the task in hand.

Night was falling as Charley and Lily crouched behind a shed on the allotments. They could clearly see Reverend Gregory’s cannabis plants, but they dared not yet sneak up and take one, as they would be clearly visible from the road that ran past the allotments.
  “This is crazy” Charley complained. “I still can’t believe that Reverend Gregory is growing cannabis, or that we’re about to nick some of it!”
  “Calm down, Charley” Lily almost snapped. “If we’re about to save the world, I’d say this venture is worth the risk.”
Charley could think of nothing to say in response to this so he kept quiet. As the long shadows were gradually replaced by darkness, Lily scoured the allotments once more and listened carefully for footprints on the street. She motioned to Charley to keep silent as she heard footsteps approaching them.

Treguard, Gerald and Phoebe emerged from the Dream Caverns onto a narrow, dirty road that led to a village. There was a gnarled tree at the side of the road, and the village lay about four hundred yards beyond this.
  “Ah, that’s Wolfenden all right” Treguard nodded as he appraised the small settlement. “If there’s Wolfenden granite to be had in the world, that’s where it’ll be.”
  “Great, great” Gerald said hurriedly. “Then let’s go to the village, find the granite and get the hell outta here!”
  “Really, Gerald, there’s no need to be like that” Phoebe scolded him. “Don’t you want to save the world?”
Gerald said nothing, but looked grumpily back at Phoebe.
  “Listen, Gerald, I know you don’t like all of this” Treguard consoled him. “But Merlin’s never wrong about this sort of thing, so you’ll just have to make the best of it, I’m afraid.”
  “Yeah, yeah, whatever” Gerald stropped. “Come on, then, let’s get it over with.”
The three strode forwards. As they were passing the gnarled tree, one of the branches shot out and tried to grab Phoebe. She screamed and jumped backwards. A hideous face had formed on the trunk, and the branches were beginning to snake towards the three companions. There was a terrible smell of stagnant water and leaf mould emanating from the marauding creature.
  “A dryad!” Treguard exclaimed. “At last, a real challenge! Ah, this will be a change from being cooped up.”
Treguard ushered Gerald and Phoebe behind him and then drew his sword. The blade glistened in the sun as Treguard wielded it with the same expertise as he had possessed thirty years earlier.
  “Run to the village,” he instructed his companions. “I’ll join you when I’ve dealt with this fiend.”
  “Are you sure you can manage by yourself?” Phoebe asked with concern, as Treguard lopped off a branch that reached for his throat.
  “You heard the man, Phoebs” Gerald hissed, grabbing Phoebe’s arm. “Let’s do as he says, shall we?”
They ran off towards the village, leaving Treguard to deal with the dryad. They soon arrived in the village, which was littered with old-fashioned houses made of wood and clay. The streets were cobbled, and wound in narrow thoroughfares through the buildings. The village nestled snugly amongst rolling fields, suggesting that it was very isolated and close-knit. Gerald and Phoebe were standing in the market square, where several villagers were bustling about with possessions and animals they had either bought or wished to sell. There were two stallholders set up at opposite ends of the square. One appeared to be a Chinaman; the other was a mottle-clothed man with grey streaks in his shoulder-length blond hair.
  “So what do we do?” Gerald asked Phoebe expectantly.
  “See if we can get hold of some Wolfenden granite, I suppose” Phoebe replied. “We could try asking one of those stallholders about it.”
  “That Chinese dude has a long queue” Gerald remarked. “Let’s talk to the other one.”
  “I don’t know, Gerald” Phoebe considered. “He looks a bit shifty to me.”
  “Never judge a book by its cover, Phoebs” Gerald returned. “His queue is shorter, so he’ll talk to us more quickly.”

Helga and Mona found themselves walking out of a dirty rundown building and onto a path surrounded by unkempt bushes and trees. There was a tarmac path leading off to the left and a tall tree by a fence to the right.
  “This doesn’t look much like a three-bedroom house in a cul-de-sac to me” Helga commented. “Are you sure you know where we’re supposed to be going?”
Mona did not reply at once, but looked carefully at their surroundings. She thought she recognised the spiked black metal fence from before and, sure enough, she saw a scene she recognised on the other side.
  “There, that’s the place!” Mona declared. “I guess this was as close as the Dream Caverns could take us.”
  “So this middle-class one-car garage cul-de-sac is the centre of the universe” Helga said, unimpressed. “Man, what a rip.”
  “Well, it’s just house number sixteen that’s the centre of the universe” Mona told Helga. “It’s the one with the yellow garage there.”
  “Hmm, well, I guess it’s as good a place as any to be the centre of the universe” Helga shrugged. “Right, let’s get over this fence, then.”
  “It’s a bit high” Mona pointed out.
  “What, are you a total weed when you’re not a vampire?” Helga chided. “Look, we can use this tree to help us.”
Helga pointed to where the trunk of the tree forked in half. Here was strategically placed a brick decorated with a lattice pattern that provided a platform for a foot.
  “I guess some of the neighbourhood kids put that brick there to help them climb the fence” Mona commented.
  “Yeah, I’m sure they lose their balls in here all the time” Helga guessed, then frowned as Mona smirked at the comment. “You know what I mean, like if they’re playing tennis in the street or something. Come on, let’s climb over.”
Helga placed a foot on the latticed brick and stepped up onto the top of the fence before dropping lithely onto the grass on the other side. Mona followed her, although she didn’t drop so much as fall.
  “Right, I’ll lead the way” Mona asserted, pointedly ignoring the amused smile flickering on Helga’s lips. “We go in through the milk hatch.”
Mona led Helga up the rough-surfaced drive, past the yellow garage door and up the single step to the milk hatch. She swung open the unlocked door to the hatch.
  “Hmm, that’s odd” Mona mused, as she peered at the wall inside. “I was expecting to see the note we found - er, that we’re going to find this evening – taped on the wall there.”
  “Well, I’m sure it’ll turn up later” Helga said. “It’s not as if we have to worry about it, is it? Right, are you going first?”
Mona’s second – or first, depending on how you look at it - attempt at going through the milk hatch was slightly less clumsy than her first – or second - but she still ended up on her hands and knees. Helga dropped softly down next to her. After shutting the milk hatch, Mona swung open the brown door before her and beheld the sitting room beyond. She could see the old TV, the brown sofa and the table containing the pad of paper and the TV Times just as she remembered them. The large black-faced clock above the mantelpiece read five minutes past twelve.
  “Everything seems to be in order” Mona mused. “So far, so good.”
  “So, do you know where we are?” Helga asked from behind her. “I mean, it’s gotta be somewhere in England, right, but whereabouts?”
  “Erm, I don’t know” Mona admitted.
  “Well I know how we can find out,” said Helga, picking up a window envelope from the doormat. “Hmm, there’s no name here but it’s addressed to the treasurer of Kimpton Cricket Club, number sixteen Lindley Close, Harpenden. Hey, what’s this? AL5, 4HS. Hmm, must be the zip code.”
  “I think they call it a post code, actually” Mona corrected her. “So this is Harpenden, is it? That’s where the Holy Griffin comes from.”
  “I don’t know what a Holy Griffin is, but I do know we have to look for this plastic figure” Helga said, suddenly keen to get on. “It’s obviously very important to this whole business if it’s supposed to divert all the power of good in the world into me and Arnold, but it’s powerless without you to hold it, because you’re pure of heart.”
  “Yes, well, I’m still not sure about that” Mona sighed, staring blankly at the floor. “How can my heart still be pure after I’ve tainted it with so much evil by becoming a vampire?”
  “Hey, Mona, you’re not evil.” Helga laughed at the notion.
  “A part of me is” Mona returned. “Or was, until it was ripped out of me and I killed it.”
  “I think that’s what Merlin meant about confusing purity with innocence” Helga said insightfully. “Everyone has a dark side to them, and in some people it’s very powerful indeed – more powerful than the light side, in fact. Even if your dark side was strengthened by your vampirism, the fact that your good side managed to defeat it in the end shows how strong the good inside you really is.”
  “Yes” Mona agreed, smiling now. “You’re right, Helga. Come on, let’s find that animal-headed plastic figure.”
  “How about we take off these couch cushions first?” Helga suggested. “My dad’s always dropping things down the side of the couch accidentally.”
They ripped the three large cushions off the sofa and rooted around in the crevices, which contained mostly biscuit crumbs.
  “Hmm, well I’ve found three dinner knives,” Mona said at length.
  “And I’ve found ten pound coins” Helga reported. “Doubtless some idiot didn’t notice when they dropped out of his pocket. What a shame we can’t take them home and spend them.”
  “Let’s just leave it as we found it, shall we?” Mona said. “I’m sure this family wouldn’t appreciate us interfering with their home too much. Look, the figure’s obviously not here. Let’s conduct a thorough search of the house; look in, on, under, behind, around and on top of absolutely everything. I’ll start upstairs, you start down here.”
  “Okay” Helga agreed. “There should be plenty of time to find it, though; don’t worry.”
  “It’s hard not to” Mona said gravely. “When you think about all that’s at stake.”

Charley and Lily both looked up to see a Hellhound eyeing the cannabis plants with interest.
  “Man, not another one” Charley groaned. “And we’re not wearing our costumes! How are we supposed to fight it?”
  “I… I… I…” Lily stammered, nervously watching the creature. “I don’t know. Oh, I wish Mona were here.”
  “It doesn’t seem too interested in us,” Charley noted. “I think it’s just after the cannabis. Perhaps we can sneak off quietly while it’s busy eating.”
Lily nodded shakily. The Hellhound was now almost upon them, but it paid them no attention. Sniffing the plants, it began to feast.
  “Let’s get out of here,” Charley whispered, pulling Lily’s arm. “It probably won’t follow us.”
Lily allowed Charley to lead her a couple of steps, but then she stopped and broke his grip. She started to tiptoe back towards the Hellhound.
  “What are you doing?” Charley hissed nervously.
  “We have to get some cannabis,” Lily asserted. “We need it to save the world.”
  “We’ll come back and get some when it’s gone” Charley suggested.
  “He might eat all the plants,” Lily pointed out. “Look at him gobbling away. We have to risk taking some now.”
Lily bent down and grasped a plant stem. The beast looked at her and growled low in its throat.
  “He’s not going to let you take it, Lily” Charley said nervously.
  “Don’t worry” Lily hissed back, trying to ignore her mounting fear. “I have a plan. Just do as I say, all right?”
Charley nodded mutely as the Hellhound took a threatening step towards Lily. Quick as a flash, Lily plucked the cannabis from the soil and held it tightly, then jumped up to her feet.
  “Run!” she yelled, rocketing past Charley. “Quickly!”
The Hellhound roared and bounded after Lily, leaving Charley to take up the rear. He saw Lily leap with surprising ease over the fence on the far side of the allotments, with the beast hot on her heels. Charley scrambled after them as quickly as he could, arriving in the street just in time to see the Hellhound skid around a corner. There followed a resounding clang and a thud, then everything was silent. Charley sprinted to the corner and turned it, where he saw Lily just setting down a large metal trashcan onto the pavement. The Hellhound lay unconscious in the road.
  “Well done, Lily” Charley breathed in relief.
  “Piece of cake” Lily smiled weakly, her voice wavering slightly. “Come on, let’s get this stuff back to Merlin.”

The blond-haired merchant looked disdainfully down at Gerald and Phoebe.
  “What can I do for you two?” he asked uninterestedly.
  “Well, you look like the kind of guy who knows what’s what around here” Gerald smiled suavely. “Do you reckon you could help us with something?”
  “I don’t know, sonny,” the merchant snorted. “It depends on several things. My name is Julius Scaramonger, the merchant prince according to some people.”
  “Could you tell us where we might find some Wolfenden granite around here?” asked Phoebe.
  “All around you, missy” Julius said, a note of surprise in his voice. “All the streets round here are paved with Wolfenden granite – that’s how the stone got its name. Why do you want to know; are you a geologist or something?”
  “Well, I certainly have a great interest in Wolfenden granite” Phoebe enthused. “Can you sell us any, Mr. Scaramonger?”
  “No, not really” Julius replied bluntly. “I could sell you some gloves or boots, if you like, or a magic potion, but I don’t carry rocks as a line, I’m afraid.”
Gerald frowned and jumped up onto Scaramonger’s stall. He looked the merchant in the eye and glared at him.
  “Now suppose I were to tell you” he purred, “I don’t buy that, buddy. What would you say to that, huh?”
As Scaramonger stared agog at Gerald, some of the bustling villagers began to notice Gerald taking a stand against Julius Scaramonger, and they didn’t like it.
  “Gerald, get down from there” Phoebe pleaded. “You’re drawing attention to us.”
Dragging Gerald with her, Phoebe darted down a sidestreet. Enraged, the angry mob gave chase. Gerald and Phoebe ran towards a grassy area and ducked into an alleyway where they paused to catch their breath. Phoebe bent down and picked up a large pebble from the ground.
  “There, that should do the trick,” she said. “Now let’s get back to Treguard, before we get lynched!”
Gerald and Phoebe returned to the spot that had formerly been occupied by the dryad. Treguard was hacking away at a great steaming crater in the ground that had a few twitching branches protruding weakly from it. He was pleased to see the Wolfenden granite that Phoebe was holding.
  “Well, we have what we came for” Treguard surmised. “Excellent work, you two. Now, let’s get back to Merlin!”

Mona searched the upper level of the house thoroughly, but she could find no plastic figures of any kind. There were three bedrooms, the largest of which was clearly shared by two children. It was well stocked with children’s books and soft toys, including a grey seal that held the door open. There were definitely no plastic figures, though, so Mona tried the other bedrooms. There was a small one with a double bed and a large dressing table, and a larger one that was stocked to the rafters with records and CDs. There was also another small fortune in pound coins laid carelessly out on a desk.
  “Jesus, there must be a thousand dollars’ worth of records and CDs in here!” Mona could not help but exclaim. “What a weird place this is.”
After satisfying herself that she had searched everywhere, Mona went back down the red-carpeted stairs, through the door and back into the long living room. She found Helga in the kitchen with her head in the freezer. There was also a fridge, a washing machine and a tumble drier; they all had their doors open.
  “Oh, hey Mona” Helga’s voice wafted from the freezer’s interior. “I’ve had a good look round the kitchen but I don’t think the figure’s in here.”
  “No kidding” Mona agreed, shutting the tumble drier and the washing machine. “What are you doing in the freezer?”
  “Searching” Helga replied innocently. “Look what I found.”
  “The statue?” Mona asked eagerly.
  “No, about a million of these frozen rolls” Helga said, holding up a white bread roll and the aluminium foil from which she had removed it. “There must be enough in here to last a year!”
  “I think you’re getting distracted” Mona noted.
  “Yeah, but who makes all these rolls?” Helga cried, waving a couple over her head. “And why? Surely nobody can need this many, can they?”
  “The centre of the universe is bound to be a mysterious place,” Mona reminded her. “Now, the figure must be in the lounge. We’ll search it together.”
  “Okay” Helga agreed, replacing the rolls and slamming the freezer.
Back in the living room, Mona and Helga started rooting around. They found place mats, board games and all sorts of soft toys, but no plastic figures.
  “This thing had better be here” Mona fretted after a while. “Without it we won’t be able to direct all the positive energy into you and Arnold.”
As she spoke, Mona pulled an object from a pink plastic box. Helga came over to look at it with her, and they saw that it was a plastic toy in the shape of a person with a walrus’s head on it.
  “Hey, this could be it!” Mona said excitedly. “Look, this pink box is filled with these figures.”
  “Are they all walruses?” Helga asked.
  “No, there’s all sorts of animals” Mona reported as she rooted around. “Rabbits, elephants, dogs – there’s even a crocodile. How do we know which one to take?”
Helga took a colourful booklet out of the pink box and blinked at it expressionlessly.
  “Fabuland” she read out. “Bonnie Bunny’s House. This is some sort of toy!”
  “There’s a load of Lego bricks in here,” Mona said. “I think it’s a kind of Lego for younger children.”
  “Well, there’s no way of telling which little character is the Figurine of Fate” Helga stated. “Let’s take the whole box and then Merlin can find it.”
  “Hey, no way” Mona objected. “This is some little kid’s Fabuland collection. He might not miss one figure, but we can’t take the whole lot!”
  “Well, how do we decide which figure to take?” Helga demanded hotly.
  “What else did Merlin tell us about the figure?” Mona tried to recall. “He said it had the face of a bandit or something, didn’t he?”
  “Yes, that’s right” Helga remembered, still leafing through the collection of building instructions. “And look, here are the instructions for the police station. They’re putting a character called Ricky Racoon in prison.”
  “Racoons are said to look like bandits because of their eye markings” Mona said, growing very excited. “Ricky Racoon must be the one!”
Mona scrabbled around in the box a bit more, then triumphantly drew out a racoon figure with black trousers and a white top.
  “The Figurine of Fate!” Mona cried in elation. “We’ve got it.”
  “And in good time” Helga nodded, seeing that the mantle clock read half-past three. “Let’s get out of here while the going’s good.”

As Mona and Helga stepped into the front hallway, Mona stared with concern at the blank wall to their left. Helga was about to open the milk hatch when Mona voiced her concerns.
  “That note still isn’t there” Mona mused. “I do wonder who wrote it.”
  “Are you still worried about that?” Helga asked impatiently. “I’m sure whoever wrote this note of yours will drop it off in time – I mean, it was here when you arrived, wasn’t it?”
  “Yes, but – here and now - that hasn’t happened yet” Mona ruminated. “And I can’t imagine that anyone else is going to come here in the next half an hour.”
  “Well, the note will get there somehow” Helga was sure.
  “Maybe it won’t” Mona considered. “Unless I leave it there.”
Helga considered this for a few moments, and then nodded in excited understanding.
  “Like in the Bill and Ted movies, you mean,” she said. “Yes, I bet it was you who left yourself that note. Wow, this is so phenomenally mind-boggling.”
  “I know” Mona agreed, growing excited. “Let’s get back into the lounge and write that note.”
Mona picked up the pencil and pad from the table in the living room and wrote To Count Duckula on a piece of paper. Then she paused.
  “What’s wrong?” Helga asked.
  “I can’t remember what it said,” Mona complained. “What if I get it wrong?”
  “You can’t!” Helga exclaimed. “You already know that you got it right because you’ve already read it!”
  “That’s the problem, I think” Mona considered. “I can’t remember what the note I’m about to write actually says!”
  “Well then, I’ll write it” Helga offered, taking the pencil from Mona. “What shall I say, generally?”
  “Well, we’re looking for a magic phrase” Mona told her. “The note tells us to watch TV, and that the phrase comes at the end of the episode of Count Duckula we’re about to watch.”
Helga thought for a moment, and then began to write. Shortly, she put down the pencil and ripped the piece of paper from the pad.
  “How’s this?” Helga asked. “You are on the right path. Within this house lies the window to the words you seek, and you must watch and find them. The phrase is used to round off an important episode in your own life.”
  “Incredible” Mona breathed. “That’s the exact wording!”
  “Of course it is” Helga laughed. “Your past self is about to read the words I’ve just composed so when she gets to be you, she – I mean you – will remember what I’ve written just now, if you see what I mean.”
  “This is getting too confusing” Mona said, shaking her head. “Let’s just leave the note and get this racoon figure back to Merlin.”
Helga found some sticky tape in a drawer and taped the note to the wall opposite the milk hatch. They then both scrambled back through the hatch to the road outside, Mona’s brain trying its level best to come to terms with the strange world of coincidences and turns of fate in which it now found itself. Soon Helga and Mona were back outside the rundown building – which bore a sign suggesting it was a public lavatory – and on their way back to Knightmare Castle.
Part 2 of 3.

This is the tenth in a very large collection of fanfics I have written based around the excellent Canadian cartoon show Mona the Vampire.

The "guest star" TV programme is Dr Zitbag's Transylvania Pet Shop.

This story contains the absolute last and final appearance (well pretty much last and final) of Hey Arnold! - I was totally obsessed with that show at the time, and had recently seen the movie, but I think the decision to end its involvement in my Mona-verse right here was a very wise one.

This fic was written in February 2003.
© 2008 - 2024 TheEyeShield
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